When I realized I loved you
it was not romantic
Not flush with pink roses & wine
but rather normal
Rather standing in line at CVS
clutching a four pack of peanut butter cups
& cold medicine
It was a quiet realization
Like checking the weather I was currently standing in
"Huh. It’s a bit warmer
than I would have guessed.”
my cousin’s girlfriend had a baby today and im absolutely in love with his name and overcome by emotions.
this is a new life in the world yall!
if thats not fucking amazing i dont know what is, honestly.
currently making a “contemporary lullaby playlist” flooded with lauryn hill, asa, lianne la havas, jill scott, amy winehouse, robert glasper, etc.
(even though i have two midterms and a blog post to submit tomorrow)
im just so excited right now.
ugh this child will know true love and good music as long as i have anything to do with it!
i think i dont know what the word friend means.
i was talking to dania a little while ago and i told her that i didnt really consider her a friend until winter of junior year (in her opinion it was freshman year, hell even sophomore year) (we are in our senior year mind you)
i think im just slow to taking people in but i didnt know that this inability to consider a person a friend hurt so many people so much.
so for example, an acquaintance meesaged me this summer about our friendship. needless to say i was confused by it so i made a very expensive international call to figure out why she was so upset
firstly the fact that someone would cry over their relationship with me (because i quite literally aint shit) was enough to throw me for a loop.
but also i guess what confused me was that this person had had enough interactions with me to be hurt.
in that moment i realized one simple thing. though angry and ready to destroy what she called our “friendship” she was fighting for this relationship (whatever she or i may call it) something that hardly any acquaintances did and i could respect that. i suppose in that moment i began to call her a friend not to appease the situation. no not at all. all of a sudden i was curious to find out why she called me a friend. what about me qualified, etc.
people tell me its strange i dont consider them a friend seeing as i tell them about my life and confide in them as they do in me. and i get it. sure i tell people about my life all the time. dark things, light jokes but i dont do it for my own health.
i tell people these things because i believe healing sometimes comes in finding a mutual sufferer (if that makes any sense). if i see the hurt in you i try to help you heal but that doesnt mean we are friends, im just a person looking out for you. isnt that what we are kinda on this earth to do?
i still dont consider half of the people i associate with friends. not because i dont like them. i do! they are great people deserving of infinite love from the universe but… its just that at any point they can leave and i refused to be destroyed by their absence on the basis of a title. words mean things yall and if i call you a friend and you leave my world will probably crumble at the gates of my soul. so i’d rather skip the pleasantries and simply keep it on a “i fucks with you” basis (if you are lucky you might be upgraded to my “i fucks with you heavy” premium package)
pessimistic i suppose but would half of these people i care about be sad if i died or would they want the attention that comes with mourning? (which by the way doesnt mean you are a bad person it just means you aint shit.)
im just in my feels im sorry im just going to end this here.